The Legend of Zelda the Wind Whacker
by shadowguy
Summary: Wind Waker exept messed up. Please Read and Review
1. Default Chapter

Note: I do not own the Zelda series Nintendo does, if you did not know that then why are you reading this story? The Legend of Zelda: the Wind Whacker Long Ago, there existed a kingdom where a golden power lay hidden. It was a prosperous land blessed with green tall mountains and peace. But one day a man of great evil found the golden power and took it for himself. "Greedy bastard" With its strength at his command, he spread darkness throughout the kingdom. But then when all hope had died and the hour of doom seemed at hand..a young boy clothed in green appeared as if from nowhere. Wielding the blade at evil's bane, he sealed the dark one away and gave the land light. This boy, who traveled through time to save the land, was known as The Hero of Time. The boys tale was passed down through generations until it became legend. But then.A day came when a fell wind began to blow across the kingdom. The great evil that all thought had been forever sealed away by the hero once again crept forth from the depths of the earth, eager to resume it's dark designs. The people believed that the hero of time would again come to save them. but the hero did not appear. "Mainly cause he was on vacation" faced by an onslaught of evil, the could do nothing but appeal to the gods. In the last hour, as doom drew nigh, they left their future in the hands of fate. What became of the kingdom? None remain who know. The memory of the kingdom vanished, but it's legend survived on the winds breath. On a certain island, it became customary to garb when they come of age. Clothed in the green of fields, they aspired to find heroic blade and cast down evil. The elders wish only for the youths to know courage like the hero of legend.  
  
"Ah yes the peaceful village of Outset Island where people live their happy lives and live in a beautiful beach, unfortunately today is Link's birthday the day when people actually give a rat's ass about him, lets see what happens today.."  
  
*A view of Outset Island appears and we see the people's daily lives*  
  
*Arryl is seen running to the watch house and screaming to Link*  
  
Arryl: Pedaso de meirda porque estas dormiendo? "Translation "Hey piece of shit why are you sleeping?"  
  
*Link is getting up from his sleep*  
  
Link: Man I shouldn't have stayed at the bar last night.  
  
Arryl: Hey link today is your birthday you know what that means?  
  
Link: I can finally look at porno?!  
  
Arryl: No big brother it means that you are the same age as the hero.  
  
*Arryl climbs up to the watch tower*  
  
Arryl: I have a present for you but I am only going to lend it to you for today, it's my most valuable object.  
  
*Arryle hands Link her telescope*  
  
Link: Hhmm I could use this for something hehehe.  
  
Arryl: Oye pedazo de mierda porque no ves altraves de el.  
  
Link: What did you say?  
  
Arryl: I said why don't you look through it?  
  
Link: Ok.  
  
*Link looks through the telescope and looks at the mail box to see Quill flying by, he then lands near the mail box and looks through all the mail taking all the letters with money and porno in them, he then flys away as link looks out of the telescope.*  
  
Arryl: We have a strange mailman he must be from a different island. Oh Link I forgot to tell you that Grandma has summoned you!  
  
*Link goes to his house*  
  
Link: Hey grandma what did you call me for?  
  
*Grandma appears out of the shadows of the house covered in a black cloak with glaring red eyes*  
  
Grandma: Link it is your birthday, you are now the same age as the hero in the legends put on these clothes.  
  
*Grandpa gives Link the green clothes*  
  
Link: I don't know their a little warm.  
  
Grandma; You dare question me!  
  
Link: No grandma.  
  
*Link runs back to the watch tower and looks through the telescope*  
  
Arryl: Es el Pollo Diablo!  
  
*Link looks at his right to see a giant bird carrying a girl in one of it's tallons*  
  
*A pirate ship is seen nearby firing boulders at the bird*  
  
*one of the rocks hits the bird and it drops the girl into the forest* To be continued.  
  
Well this was the first chapter of m story I'll try to update it as much as I can. 


	2. Chapter2

The Legend of Zelda the Wind Whacker Chapter 2: Blah  
  
*Link sees Tetra fall into the forest*  
  
Link: Arryl I have to save her but how?  
  
*Link notices that Arryl isn't there anymore*  
  
Link: Arryl?  
  
*The screens shows Arryl on the beach dancing the robot with a crab*  
  
Link: -_-  
  
*Link goes to Orca's house*  
  
*We see Orca meditating and smoking some crack*  
  
Orca: Yo my brother Link have you finally come to join the universal communication?  
  
Link: Actually I came here to learn self defense against monsters to save a girl that fell in the forest.  
  
Orca: I remember when I was a violent little shmo like you, that was until I read the hippies guide to the universe my brother.  
  
Link: ok..  
  
*Link sees a small sword and takes it*  
  
*Link climbs up the hill to the bridge then crosses the bridge to the forest*  
  
Link: Woah I bet some of these plants would sell well in the drug department.  
  
*A Bokoblin appears out of a bush*  
  
Bokoblin: Hi I'm Bob I travel the world selling crap you don't need, if you don't buy anything I shall bother you till the day you die!  
  
Link: The EVIl, the unspeakable evil!  
  
*Link draws his sword and slashes Bob's head off*  
  
*Suddenly Tetra falls off a close by tree*  
  
Tetra: Woah what was I smoking?  
  
*Sees some pot come out of her pocket*  
  
Tetra: Oh yeah.  
  
*Tetra's pirate buddies come into the forest and find her*  
  
Tetra: That bird shall pay for messing with us, come we shall go for revenge!  
  
Link: Wait I just save you, you could at least thank me or something!  
  
*Tetra kicks Link in the balls*  
  
*Link falls unconscious*  
  
*Link wakes up and follows the pirates*  
  
*Arryl is seen waving at Link*  
  
*The giant bird comes out of nowhere and grabs Arryl*  
  
Arryl: Don't worry Link they accepted me as their Queen!  
  
*Link chases the bird and falls down the cliff*  
  
Pirate: Shouldn't you have saved him Ms.Tetra?  
  
Tetra: To lazy.  
  
To be continued. 


	3. Chapter3

If any of you people have no known yet they are making two new Zelda games, and both sound like crap.  
  
The Legend of Zelda Wind Whacker  
  
Chapter 3: And so begins the adventure  
  
"Last time on Zelda Wind Whacker, Link rescued Tetra only to get kicked in the balls ,and Arryl was kidnapped, will Link be able to rescue his sister?, Three Dollars says he won't."  
  
*Link is seen on the shore of Outset Island talking to Tetra*  
  
Link: Come on you have to let me go I have to save my sister!  
  
Tetra: Why should I help you?, I don't see you carrying the Moola! Mool=Money  
  
Link: No shit, what did you expect from someone who lives on an island no one has heard about.  
  
Pirate 1: Ms.Tetra shouldn't we be leaving?  
  
Tetra: Yes.  
  
*Pirates are about to walk away when Quill flies by*  
  
Quill: Not so fast, if it wasn't for you the bird wouldn't have mistaken you for his sister, so it's your fault that his sister was kidnapped!  
  
Tetra: Hey aren't you Quill the mailman that steals anything valuable from people's mail?  
  
*Quill starts panicking*  
  
Quill: No my name is Bob the mailman, I don't know this Quill you speak of.  
  
Tetra: How could I have been so stupid,  
  
*Tetra looks at Link*  
  
Tetra: Alright I'll let you go with us but you will need a shield to defend yourself.  
  
Link: I know my grandma has this shitty shield she says was passed down through generations.  
  
*Link runs to his house* *Link climbs the ladder only to see the shield missing, he then climbs down the ladder to see his grandma holding the shield*  
  
Grandma: Link I see you have finally joined the side of evil, join me Link and we shall spread chaos across many nations, all the nations that mess with us will burn in furious pits of fiery do.  
  
Link: Hey grandma isn't it you nap time.  
  
Grandma: Yes it is.  
  
*Grandma goes to her chair and falls asleep*  
  
*Link sighs then takes the shield, then goes back to the shore*  
  
Tetra: I see you have a shield, very well you now have permission to travel with us.  
  
Link: Woop de fucking Dooo.  
  
Too be continued.. 


	4. Chapter4

The Legend of Zelda Wind Whacker  
  
Some of you are most likely wondering why I haven't updated lately, that's mainly because I've been busy with school. Anyway I made this chapter longer than the other.  
  
Chapter 4: Blah/Forsaken Stupidity  
  
*Link is seen leaving Outset Island on pirate ship, many of his neighbors are seen waving goodbye, Link then sees his grandma standing outside the house, Link gets to the front of the ship and waved goodbye.*  
  
*The camera closes up to Grandma*  
  
Grandma: Finally, now I can sell their stuff.  
  
*in the pirate ship*  
  
Tetra: It looks like your going to get more sentimental from here on. You can go back if you want.  
  
*One of Tetras pirates comes up to her*  
  
Pirate: Ms. Tetra I found your lost romance novels.  
  
*Link looks at Tetra with a suspicious look*  
  
*Tetra is seen panicking*  
  
*Tetra takes the books*  
  
Tetra: These must be some stuff that came with all that shit we stole last week.  
  
*Tetra throws the books off the boat, tears can be seen coming out of Tetra's eyes*  
  
*Link goes to the room Niko is in*  
  
Niko: I see you must be my new swabbie.  
  
Link: I'll show you who's the swabbie.  
  
*Link takes out his sword and points in at Niko's face*  
  
Niko{With nervous voice}: Of course you would no longer be a swabbie if you past my doomy test of doomy doom.  
  
Link: What is this test of doomy doom you speak of, is at as doomy as you doomy mouth of doomy lies speaks.  
  
Niko: Oh it is the doomies test of all the doomy test from doom land where doom roams in the doomed souls of people.  
  
Link: Why are we saying doom so much?  
  
Niko: It's in the script.  
  
Link: What a bad script, who writes this shit?  
  
*Shadowguy is seen typing horrible thing to Link* *Niko activates the puzzle then jumps to the first platform*  
  
Niko: You see this how..  
  
*Link is seen at the end of the puzzle. Link opens the treasure chest, takes the bag, then throws the empty treasure chest at Niko, Niko is seen on the floor bleeding*  
  
*Link leaves the room, Tetra then calls Link.*  
  
Tetra: Hey I'm up here!  
  
*Link climbs the ladder and sees the forsaken fortress*  
  
Tetra: This is the Forsaken Fortress, They say it used to be owned by small times pirates, But then a big bird took a shit on the place and made this Fortress.  
  
Link: Really?  
  
Tetra: No I was just playing with your mind.  
  
Link:-_-  
  
Tetra: The only problem is that the security is really tight.  
  
*Tetra begins to start thinking, She then looks at Link and winks, Her eye then shoots a laser at Link, Link falls down into a barrel*  
  
*Link notices he's in a barrel and starts to shake like a crazy midget*  
  
Tetra: Don't worry we pirates have down this many times.  
  
Link: I'm not a pirate bitch!  
  
Tetra: Well shit, we're going to launch you anyway.  
  
5 4 3 2 1  
  
*Link is seen being Launched out of the catapult, The barrel breaks into pieces and Link starts burning because he is going to fast.*  
  
To be continued. 


	5. Chapter 5, And alittle rant

Wai! Wai! I wish I had a brain like yours(not really, just where you get the funny parts) keep uploading! ^-^  
  
No offense man, but this is extremely homosexual.  
  
These are two reviews that pissed me off badly. Mainly because both of them show some form of disrespect. The first one shows that the person likes my story, that good, but wait it also says that the person thinks I'm a dumbass because my story happens to be full of stupidities. The second one shows that the person didn't like my story, that's fine with me counting as everyone has the right for an opinion, but what pisses me off is that the person calls my story gay, look if you want to read a gay story go read stories like "Party at Zelda's" where all they do is talk about hitting Ganondorf's balls getting hit and the girls going crazy over link, or maybe some of those corny romance stories where people put some crappy new character into the story and have then fall for another character, or maybe those retarded crossovers. This ends my rant.  
  
Legend of Zelda The Wind Whacker Chapter 5: Dance Link Dance with us into Oblivion.  
  
*Link is seen in the sky on fire, he then hits a wall of the Forsaken Fortress, his sword flies across the fortress and lands in front of a Bokoblin*  
  
Bokoblin: hmm must be one of those bomb midget swords.  
  
*Link is seen falling down to a river, he then swims to shore and climbs the stairs, when he takes his first step he hears a noise*  
  
Tetra'Through the stone": I see my aim my off abit.  
  
Link: OFF A BIT! I almost fucking died you bitch!  
  
Tetra: That not the point, your sister should be on the highest room in the fortress.  
  
*Link goes through the Fortress find and dandy until on of the lights hits him*  
  
Bokobil: Intruder Alert, Rip his legs off and throw them in the ocean!  
  
*An army of Bokoblins surround Link*  
  
BokoPhil: Eat his legs!  
  
BokoBob: Throw him in a dumpster and set him on fire!  
  
BokoBlah: Take a shit on him!  
  
*Link jumps in the air, two trashcan lids suddenly appear on Link's feet, Link lands and starts dancing with Irish music in the background*  
  
BokoMoe: Arrgh he's insulting our dancing skills!  
  
BokoJim: Lets show him who's the boss around here.  
  
*All of the Bokoblins start dancing*  
  
*The Camera then zooms to Tetras ship*  
  
Tetra: What the hell are they doing?  
  
Gonzo: It seems they are doing an Irish dance Miss Tetra.  
  
*Camera goes back to Forsaken Fortress*  
  
*The music continues to play, Link dances to a close by door without the Bokoblins noticing*  
  
Link: What the fuck was that?  
  
To be continued. 


	6. Pointless chapter of doom

Authors Note  
  
Yes I know I haven't updated in awhile. But that is mainly because I had to move to Florida and crap like that. Anyways, because of this I will present a short little bonus thingy that I will do every once in awhile, here is the first mini of.  
  
Link rules and you suck-ass.  
  
*Link is seen looking through a porno magazine when he notices the camera pointing at him, he then quickly throws the magazine away and faces the camera*  
  
Link: Hello welcome to the first chapter of Link rules and you suck ass. As you know the author of this fan fiction has been busy with a lot of things, that and he has been playing Sonic Heroes.  
  
*A little T.V. appears next to Link showing the author playing Sonic Heroes and failing like crazy, the T.V. then disappears*  
  
Link: Now some of you might be wondering what the point of these little random mini chapter are? Well you see this is mainly made when the author is lazy and doesn't want to bother writing something about the game. That and he a lot of the stuff that happened in the Wind Waker game.  
  
*A thunderbolt strikes Link*  
  
Link: Anyways most of you are obviously not here for the author's excuses for not updating. So we must give the fans what they want, and that is. RANDOM POINTLESS HUMUROUS VIOLENCE!  
  
*Arryl appears behind Link*  
  
Arryl: Big brother some man in a black suit came here saying he wanted to see you about some illegal broadcasting.  
  
Link: Oh hell it's the coppers, they're here to gets me. *Link loads gun*  
  
*Two FBI agents brake in carrying guns*  
  
FBI agent: Link you are under arrest for illegally broadcasting this program on T.V.  
  
Link: You won't take me alive bitches.  
  
*Link shoots one of the FBI agents on the head, he then starts running away from the other one, the two are seen running around in the place while Arryl faces the camera smiling, Link rams the agent into a wall and runs into his room, he then comes out with a machine gun and shoots the agent madly, after that he turns back to the camera while Arryl pokes the dead body with a stick*  
  
Link: Well that's all the time we have today, stay tune next time for another episode of Link Rules and you Suck-Ass. 


	7. Chapter 6

Legend of Zelda Wind Whacker  
  
Narrator: After many pointless and unnecessary things, Link has finally made it to the Forsaken Fortress.  
  
*Link is seen running away from a group of bats, he turns around and throws a sack he sees near him at the bats; the bats inhale the dust that was in the bag, their eyes become red*  
  
Link: Who the hell leaves drugs in a giant fortress?  
  
*Link goes into the door next to him, a Bokoblin goes into the room with the bats and looks around*  
  
Bokoblargh: Who stole my shit!?  
  
Narrator: After surviving an army of bats, wrestling an alligator and having a robot battle with a giant robot wizard warrior cyborg ninja monkey man werewolf demon from hell, Link finally makes it to the top of the fortress.  
  
*Link sees a Bokoblin standing next to his sword; he quickly snatches the sword, the bokoblin sees him and runs to him*  
  
Bokoblin: Hey kid what are you doing with that bomb midget sword? I was going to give it to my son so he could be like his favorite hero Super Bomb Midget Bob. *The Bokoblin takes out his wallet with pictures of his family* you see this is a picture of my son and this is a picture of little Billy, this is my daughter stupidlyina, this is my Wife.. *Three hours later* this is my grandma..  
  
Link: ARGHH make it stop!  
  
*Link chops off the Bokoblins head, after that he goes into the big door next to him, there he sees Arryl, she starts waving to him, Link then proceeds to give her the finger, After that the giant bird comes down a picks up Link with one of it's talons, taking him to the top of the Fortress the bird throws Link to the ocean*  
  
Link: Holy crap these are the last moments of my life, I wonder if my life will flash through my eyes?  
  
*A picture of a rock appears before Link's eyes*  
  
Link: Shit the last few moments of my life and the only thing that comes to me is a rock, why must you forsaken my you stupid gods that curse this land with unholy blue crao, curse thee!  
  
To be continued. 


	8. Chapter seven

The Legend Zelda Wind Whacker  
Chapter 7  
  
Narrator: We last off with Link entered the forsaken fortress to save his piece of shit sister, after almost getting crapped on, having to river dance and fighting an evil bokoblin that was killed on the site. Link finally finds his sister only for a giant bird to pick him up and throw him helluva far Mr.T style. Man I feel sorry for the little fella risking his life only to get his pansy ass handed to him by a bird. Hell what am I doing here anyways, I gotta go have sex with my girlfriend, screw you guys I'm outta here.  
  
*The scene opens up with Link waking up, he looks around to find himself on a boat*  
  
Link: Where am I?  
  
*The boat turns its head and opens its mouth*  
  
Boat: Hello child, I see you have awakened.  
  
Link: Holy hell on a mokey's ass a talking boat from hell, you must be here to take me to the underworld.  
  
Boat: No atually I require your assistance.  
  
Link: Mkay  
  
Boat: I am the King of red lions.  
  
Link: Can I call you sally?  
  
KORL: No.  
  
Link: Why not?  
  
KORL: Because I say so.  
  
Link; Poopsicles.  
  
KORL: In order to save your sister you must first have enough power to defeat the bird.  
  
Link: Why?  
  
KORL: Because the bird was just being easy on you, next time you fight it it's going to take a big shit on you.  
  
Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!  
  
KORL: Now I will tell you of someone who you will meet later in the story.  
  
*the screen changes to a black background with fire flowing and some guy standing there*  
  
KORL: His name is Ganondorf, he is the king of evil, he is so evil that little children cry at the site of him, he is so evil that he stole the crows jewels shoved them up his ass and game them back, he is so evil that he hires evil goblins that can take a dump on you all he wants. That is how evil he is. Supposedly he got he's supposed to be dead, but no death isn't good enough for him, he has to kick death in the hiny and steal his gummy bears, while eating ice cream and dancing the river dance, that is how evil he is.  
  
Link: Dang that's evil.  
  
KORL: I need you to go get a sword that will turn out to be useless against him and will require you to power it up in two annoying dungeons. Sadly as I am now I cannot help you. So your gonna have to get me a sail in that island that is placed right next to us.  
  
Link: Ok  
  
To be continued.... 


	9. Side story

Little side story of doom.  
  
Author's note  
This chapter takes place in the Ocarina of time, time line.  
  
*Link is seen riding his horse to a village when he notices that some guy is blocking the way*  
  
Link: I say ol chap why are you blocking thy gate to the village?  
  
Man: Because this is thou season of thigh chicken hunter and all foreigners are forbidden from entering thy village. So says me the great keeper Sir Sally.  
  
Link: Thou does not understand that I need to get inside thy village to continue my journey to save the land of Hyrule, so I can save thy princess. Now please remove yourself before I make my horse pound on thou's bottom area.  
  
Sir Sally: I am afraid I can not do that good sir. Even if you play golf with my head I shall not move myself from thy gate.  
  
Link: Then thou shall have ye wish.  
  
*Link smashes Sally's head off with the megaton hammer sending it across the mountain, the scene skips to a strange little ninja running around, the head then lands next to him*  
  
Chaos Ninja (Author's friend): Holy crap the sky is falling!  
  
The End. 


	10. Chapter 7

Legend of Zelda Wind Whacker  
  
*Link is seen walking through Wind Fall island when he finds a store with an Eskimo behind the counter*  
  
Link: Hey do you know where I can find a sail?  
  
Eskimo: I have a sail but first you must get my name.  
  
*Link looks though the Nintendo power player's guide*  
  
Link: You name is Zumali.  
  
Zumali: Holy shit you figured out my name.  
  
*Zumali explodes, a sail then lands next to link*  
  
Link: I should get back to that son of a bitch boat but I think I should waste important time lollygagging though the town instead.  
  
*Link notices a door hidden in the background, he goes inside and sees a man wearing a green jumpsuit*  
  
Link: Who the hell are you?  
  
Man: I am Tinkle king of the fairies; if you free me I shall reward you with many pretty things like candy.  
  
*Link opens the door freeing tinkle*  
  
Tinkle: Thank you for freeing me, the villagers were mean to me because I was meeting with a person I met off the internet,  
  
*Tinkle then hands Link and thingy that looks like a Game boy*  
  
Link: Cool can this thing play any games?  
  
Tinkle: Only Michael Jackson's moon walker!  
  
*Tinkle walks away*  
  
Link: Why is it that I feel I released an evil worse than Ganon? 


	11. Chapter 8

Legend of Zelda Wind Whacker  
  
*Link sees a man*  
  
Old man: Hey kid my name is Danny wanna know how I saved the woyld?  
  
Link: OK!  
  
Danny: And I was liek "I watch PMK" and she was liek "Thats nice" and then I asked her "How much does it cost for a ticket?" and she said "5 dollars per ticket" and I asked her "How much for five tickets?" and she said "5x5" and I stared at her with a blank stare. And she looked at me and said "25 dollars" and i yelled with joy "YAY I CAN INVITE TWO OF MY FRIENDS!" Then Billy said it doesnt know you so he doesnt want to talk to you. But I am here. You cant call me billy. Because Billy is my friend. He is a giant white bunny. He is made out of marshmellows. I visit him in the Happy Happy Snuggle Cuddle Rainbow Land. i had a seizure when i first went. but the he gave me a magical drop of pewp that made me fly like a kite. and then i left to my house and opened my closet. i toook out a shotgun and a uzi. i flew back and i went on a killing spree. Billy is no more... or the Happy Happy Snuggle Cuddle Rainbow Land citizens. Thier blood was chocolate and their organs where made of marshmellows. I had a huge feast. it was fun. but billy was still living. i had to take out my katana and slice his head in half before he threw out his ultra mega super duper eye beams of death, chaos, destruction, and doom at me. then i hate billy's brains. and some girl went up to me and said "... I LIEK CHIKAN PWOT PWIE!" and did this retarded face that made me laugh like fwack. Then she stared at me and walked back into the shadows. then i followed her in the shadows. it was weird. dark and depressed place. everybody was crying and looking down at the purple floor. i didnt think they were very happy. so i took them out of thier misery and took out my katana. cut them up pretty bad and then ran off into the shadows. they started calling the DC. What is the DC you ask? Depressed cops. So they came with thier weird looking guns and shotguns and started shooting me. but i would dodge all the bullets and when i finally reached them i attacked them at lighting speed. everything was still... wind blew and thier bodies fell to little pieces. i stood thier full of blood... in the dark place... i started to look around... it was starting to get darker... and darker... as i stood thier in the darkness i started to laugh... laugh untill the darkness overwhelmed me... and i died.  
  
Link: Then why are you alive?  
  
Danny: Bomb Midgets!  
  
Fucked Up Story by: Danny(aka ChaoticStealth) 


	12. Not another fill Chapter

Not another Filler Chapter  
  
*Link appears out of nowhere*  
  
Link: It's time for news from the author.  
  
*A sign appears in front of Link saying news, Link then appears wearing a reporter suit*  
  
Link: The creator of this comic (shadow guy) and his friend (Chaotic Stealth) have been thinking of making the Legend of Zelda Wind Whacker into a drawn comic. Note that this might now happen so don't get your hopes up. It they are able to do this then prepare to get gleeful and all that crap. Well Counting as I don't really have anything else to do let's see what we can do to fill up the rest of this chapter.  
  
*Scene changes to a crab and a moose fighting to the death in a stadium*  
  
Announcer: For 3 straight days the moose and crab have been fighting to the death who will win?  
  
Crab: Crabbehameha!  
  
CRAB WINS!  
  
Author: Sorry if this chapter sucked I just don't really have any ideas right now. 


End file.
